Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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