What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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