did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
