one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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