I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
