Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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