I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
