help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
