So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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