Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
