No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
