fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
