i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
