woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
