he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
