If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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