We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
