TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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