why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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