so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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