I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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