Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was like getting head from an anaconda
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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