Plan B is the new Plan A
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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