Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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