At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
