your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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