There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
