conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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