Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
