She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
