By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
