did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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