I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
