i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
