i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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