my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
