16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
