Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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