1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
