We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
