Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
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it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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