My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
