Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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