This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
