I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
