I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
