nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
