I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
