if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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