I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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