I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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