walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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