Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
FUCK WHALES
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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