I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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