Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
