Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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