Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
