Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
